I Was Today Years Old

I was today years old when I realized my dad is Bipolar.

I’m not an expert on mental health, I’m just sharing my experiences with it.

My dad has been in my life my entire life and I’ve always had to get to know him from afar. His addictions to smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol drew me closer to him because I wanted to know what about that was triggering his rage. I’ve seen physical, verbal and mental abuse that I’ve had to stay quiet about for most of my life, but it wasn’t until I started to share my story that I started to heal.

My dad & I got into an unnecessary argument at the end of 2018 that hurt me because it showed his insecurities and how he felt about me without many words. I stood my ground & stood up for myself. I refuse to be disrespected, especially when I’m nothing but respectful towards people. We haven’t spoken since. 

I’ve seen his split personalities my entire life but I never understood it. I always wanted to know what triggered those emotions. Why isn’t he talking about his past? What’s so special about the liquor that he won’t spend time with his family? Why does he hurt the people that love him the most? Why do I always have to cover up for his behaviors? 

I’ve had so many questions over the years without answers. I’ve had to accept many apologies that were never given. I’ve forgiven over & over again. I’ve cried more than people know. I’ve begged for a relationship. I’ve moved away from negative environments. I’ve learned that I need to love myself. I’ve learned that everything happens for a reason. 

it's not up to me

Something about me being born into this family dynamic proves to me my purpose. I’m here to heal others with my words. I can make people laugh with the most random stuff. I can feel when someone isn’t shining their light bright as they were meant to. I can sense abuse in a relationship like it’s my sixth sense- sometimes I go numb. 

I don’t get why people hold onto their past. I don’t understand why people hold on to their pain. I do understand why people don’t want to put in the WORK to heal- because of the work. I’d be lying if I said the journey to healing doesn’t hurt- because you’re going to be reminded of what hurt you the most and that’s going to make you emotional all over again, but you get to let it go at that point. 

Think of yourself drowning in the deep end of a pool, you feel yourself only getting deeper and deeper of the pool, you look around and think this is how the story will end- until you remember you may not know how to swim but you know how to float. You wave your arms and legs until you feel yourself getting closer to the top of the water and you gasp for air. You smile because you made it and can breathe again.

That’s what healing is like for me. I may have jumped into a pool of emotions and experiences that have impacted my life differently, but I know how to swim, float, breathe & smile. Some experiences take me deeper than others and it may feel like i have an anchor on me keeping me down there but I’m not chained onto anything. I am free to be me.

Because I’m 24 years old and have comprehended this much, I get impatient, antsy, and sometimes mad that others don’t see what I see. But it’s not up to them to see my life experience, or for me to see theirs. We’re here on a life journey with different experiences for a reason. I pray for people I can’t communicate with and continue to be myself.

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