My dad has been in my life my entire life and I’ve always had to get to know him from afar. His addictions to smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol drew me closer to him because I wanted to know what about that was triggering his rage. I’ve seen physical, verbal and mental abuse that I’ve had to stay quiet about for most of my life, but it wasn’t until I started to share my story that I started to heal.
My dad & I got into an unnecessary argument at the end of 2018 that hurt me because it showed his insecurities and how he felt about me without many words. I stood my ground & stood up for myself. I refuse to be disrespected, especially when I’m nothing but respectful towards people. We haven’t spoken since.
I’ve seen his split personalities my entire life but I never understood it. I always wanted to know what triggered those emotions. Why isn’t he talking about his past? What’s so special about the liquor that he won’t spend time with his family? Why does he hurt the people that love him the most? Why do I always have to cover up for his behaviors?
I’ve had so many questions over the years without answers. I’ve had to accept many apologies that were never given. I’ve forgiven over & over again. I’ve cried more than people know. I’ve begged for a relationship. I’ve moved away from negative environments. I’ve learned that I need to love myself. I’ve learned that everything happens for a reason.